AM I OK?

I never thought that it will be this hard!
Yes I expected it to be hard but not this much ...
I thought that once we will be together I will finally be able to sleep without sinking into my own tears, I thought that all these nightmares witl end, and I will stand on my feet again, feel strong, confident, stop hallucinating and overthinking about everything especially when it comes to you...

But,
It's totally the opposite!
Now,
I scream more than I cry,
I burn more than I grief,
And I see you even when my eyes are open, not only when I close them ...

It hurts, your love hurts, hurts really bad and its just a matter of time, and I will collapse,
I feel like someday, soon, this heart thats beating for you, will stop because of YOU!


You know that we can be much better than this,
And i'm willing to give you everything you ask for,
But what the fuck is holding you back from being what I want you to?  Be with me in my worst? Be with me when I can't sleep? When the monsters come out at me!
You know that i'm having sleeping disorders and eating disorders as well, nightmares and all that shit that shows that I'm not OK, that I need you more than ever ...
Can you just ask How am I doing?
Ask how my day was?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?

Of course I would lie and say no hun I'm fine, I'm still breathing and this heart *unfortunately* is still beating...