Maybe it's just a test or a gift from God

After spending million nights thinking about it, maybe it’s not a life-time curse, maybe it’s just a test from god, testing my strength.

It can be a gift from god, to make me stronger, and not get easily effected by the small obstacles that I face on my way to success.

However, if it was test, a gift or any sort of that,

Have I failed the test?

Have I rejected the gift?

No wonder what single break-up from the one you loved the most can do to your life!

You will a dead living soul in the middle of life-full people

You will try your best to be seen as “Alive”, but inside there is nothing left from you except an “unhearable” heart beat!

I used to have a colour-full loud life, but now, he left me in a black & white picture, that resembles  nothing but soundless pain.

He left, and what i'm left with nothing to hold on ...

And again, I'm waiting hun!

I’m here,

Waiting in the darkest spot of my life,

In front of your door,

Waiting for you,

To come out,

And see me,

Or see the parts of me,

On that empty floor,

Or shall I say, what’s left of me ..

Do you think this is easy?

Thinking and writing about you every single day?

Can’t even describe how it feels,

Wondering how I survived till this day,

But I don’t think I have much time left..

Forever haunting me

Your image and voice are haunting me,

I see you everywhere,

Literally everywhere,

And apart from that,

I never forgot about you,

Not even for a second ..

Although I don’t know anyone with your name,

But I’m calling your name inside me every minute,
or shall I say with every heartbeat..

Hoping one day,

You will hear me calling,

Hoping one day,

You will think about me,

Having a flashback of our memories together,

Even if it was for just a minute,
Or a second..

This unbearable pain inside me is suffocating me,

Every breath; becomes heavier and heavier with the passing of days,

They say the first thing you forget about someone is their voice,

But hun, it’s been two years since you left,

And I still couldn’t forget it,

And I don't think I'll ever break through the ghost of you ..

I'm scared

I’m scared,

I don't want to meet you but I really need to,
I don't want to face you, after all those years,
I just can't do it...

I’m scared,

Of probably what will happen after,

You asked to meet up,

But it was clear that you don’t have feelings for me,

Then why meeting?
Why asking?

I’m scared,

To face the truth maybe,

The truth that I don’t wanna hear,

That we can’t be with each other,

That you don’t love me anymore,
Or never loved me!

I’m scared,

That you will be neutral,

And I will act neutral,

But my eyes will expose everything,
Show you, how I truly feel towards you,

And this will make you go away...

I’m scared,

That when I first see you,
I'll get all the flashbacks that I spent my whole life ignoring,
That I won't be able to stay in one piece,
And collapse in front of you..

I’m scared,

To fuckin lose you again

I don’t want to,

I want you

Only you

You weren’t here for years

And no one was able to take your place

I was just praying that you will come back
And stay for good this time...

His birthday

The clocks are ticking,

And my heart beats faster and stronger with every second,

After couple of hours,

He will be turning twenty,

And again,

I’m not his girl…

It’s weird,

We never celebrated our birthdays together,

This is the first time,

But,

We are not really together together,

I’m just an old friend to him,

And to me,

He is my world!

Should I call him?

Text him?

Or just pretend that I don’t remember his birthday?

It’s painful,

Being in the background.

An old friend, who is fucking obsessed with you,

And you are pretending that you can’t see that obsession?

Or you are just too scared to take a step closer?