We met ..

And finally, after almost two years, 

We met …

I have no words on how to explain how our date went but it was more than amazing and I feel so grateful about it.

At the beginning I was so worried that things will go wrong and I will loose him, forever this time. But things went great and we got back together to that crazy lovely couples.

What surprised me that he still remembers all the single details about me, what I like, what I hate, and what I’m used to be addicted to.

He remember all the piano pieces that I can play as he used to encourage me to learn harder and play it perfectly.

When he left, the hardest thing was for is to learn a new piano piece without him motivating me to never give up.

I love him, I told him in a really low voice while I was between his arms, he didn’t reply and that made me worried a bit.

He told me that he missed me before we hugged and I replied I missed you more. But later before I left his car, I told him I love you and replied this time, “i’m dying from love for you”.

I love him, apart from all the things he did to me and I said earlier that I won’t get back with him, but things happened so fast..

It felt like I carried the weight of the world on my chest for years and now this weight turned from pain and sorrow to happiness and love.

He makes me happy, he saw how I was happy with him..

He loves me and I can see it from his eyes but there is still something i’m worried that will make him leave me again…

I told him “I was scared to meet you”

He said “Why? You know that I won’t ever harm you”

I told him “No, it’s not about that, I was scared that after this date I will loose you forever”

He replied without hesitating, maybe a little but I expected him to stay quite “I won’t ever leave you again”

And now, since there are few days left and i’m flying back to the other side of the world to continue my studies, we will face ma y challenges and I hope that this won’t make our relationship gets weaker, I need him in my life, I need him by my side..

A life like a life

When nothing starts to feel the same as it was before,

When your days turns into a boring daily routine,

When the bright colours are replaced with black and white,

When the noises are muted and turned into boring silence,

When the candle that lights up your life starts to go dimmer,

You lose hope in everything you do,

You feel like nothing worths it and you are just too tired from living,

You feel like there is nothing you can do to change your life to a “Life”

You decide to back off from everyone’s life and let go of everything you used to hold on to,

No goal, no hope, no love, no life

That moment, you prefer being alone rather than being with friends

you prefer staying in the dark rather than in the light,

you prefer being invisible rather than visible

you wish that if you could just disappear from existence 

you wish these sands around you drag you down into the deepest ground

or get into the bottom of the ocean and stay there

Am I giving up on life?

or giving up on him?

Or both i guess

All I need is 

A life like a life,

and someone like him ...

Ignore it

A single word, or a very short scene,

or maybe just one glance to the empty air can open back a deep wound that you spent your whole life avoiding it, trying to ignore it

You know that you can’t, its ‘unhealable’ but you need to 

You need to ignore it, bear the pain so that you can move forward

The saddest part is that this wound or hole inside your heart will be there no matter what you do,

You just need to figure out a way to live with it and keep standing on your feet even though the whole world is pulling you back in…

Can we meet?

I never felt closer to him than I am today since he left me two years back,

I feel like there is only few miles between us not oceans,

But the saddest part is that I can’t see you, I can’t feel your touch, warmth, breath…

You asked me to meet you before I flew to the other side of the world, but I refused because I know that after meeting you, I will spend six months crying and screaming wanting you and regretting flying to million miles away from you.

I thought that I won’t regret anything by not meeting you, but I spent six months regretting it…

I shut the door at my own face to not suffer and suffered more,

I thought by not seeing you I will save me the pain,

But it made everything worst…

And now, since I am back, I need to meet you, but I’m too scared to ask you,

Though I know you will be happy to say yes, but I can’t

I just can’t ask you …

The longest ride

I took a twenty hour plane just to see you,
Just to give us chance to face each other,
A chance for me to see what you are really hiding from me,
Just to give a chance for me to read your eyes, and force myself to believe that you don't have any feelings for me anymore, or never did maybe,
In this long ride, I spent every second thinking about you, about how am I going to face you and what will happen in that meet up.
I spent a lot of my time thinking how am I going to bounce back from the bad news I'm about to get
Or maybe the flashbacks that will get to me when I first see you, how am I going to hide my tears and screams from you even though I cant hide them when I'm not with you!
I'm too weak without you, can't you see that??
I'm too weak when it comes to "you"
I can't hide my tears from strangers when I think about you then how would I hide it from you?
I don't want you to see me weak, or breaking apart,
I want you to see that i'm ok with every decision we make, but I'm not really good at "acting" when there is something that kills me, something that had been haunting me for years which is you and the wounds you stamped on my heart or me as whole.
I loved you and I will forever love you no matter how bad that meet up will go,
But hopefully, you will get a flashback of our memories together and love me as I do love you 

I don't know anymore

I don’t know what should I do in my life, I’ve been living in hell for long enough and I’m just too scared to take a step forward and face life cause from my old experience, life is hell and full of obstacles that can tie your leg under the ground not only pull you down.

I don’t know should I force myself to know and be with someone else other than him to forget him or should I just keep waiting for him ‘if’ he decided to come back.

I don’t want to hurt anyone by forcing myself to be with him just to forget someone else. I don’t want to be that monster; I prefer living with my pain than to hurt others with me.

But I’m still confused between two paths, and I will suffer in both of them that’s why I can’t make a choice …

In my imaginary world

And as usual, I was staring at the dim candle next to my bed thinking about all the beautiful moments we had together before he shattered my heart and left me without even saying goodbye. We still have each other numbers, snapchat and Instagram accounts, but we rarely chat. I watch his snaps and Instagram posts and try my best to not cry whenever I see them, I try my best to not burst out whenever I see his picture.

After going through that painful beautiful memories, I unlocked my phone and opened his Instagram account so that I can reel to my own imaginary world where he still considered as mine.

In a very cold night, I’m laying on his chest, feeling the warmth of his body. His hand are around me, pulling me closer to him, while the other hand is brushing my hair calmly. I can hear his heart beats, which makes me feel safe and secured. The sky is full of bright stars today , and suddenly a star falls down leaving the dark sky with a straight sparkling line. “Make a wish” He said, “You become real in my other world” the first thing that came up in my mind.

He replied “What do you mean?”, “you left me in a million shattered pieces that no one can fix it except you, you left in pain that made me so close to death” I replied in a quiet tone but he didn’t reply with anything so I said “No one can undo this pain except you, by coming back to me, the scars won’t fade away for sure but I still want you to be mine and I can live with the scars but I can’t live with the open wounds”.